癒す ♡
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⠀ ` · . 𐙚 happy-go-lucky . rie tanaka ⸺ なんだか言葉にできなくて夢中で走っているの
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today yume is a lot cleaner!! she exfoliated, but because yume's body isn't used to it... it itched a lot .. ㅠㅠ it itched even though yume was clean! yume read that it happens when your body isn't used to it. after all, when one exfoliates, it's removing that layer of dead skin. yume saw it through and used her new soap! a soap thats fragrance free and is better fit for yume's skin type. and as of writing, yume wears a rice paper mask ~
self care feels nice! even if they itchiness sucked so much in that moment. it's also sad that yume's environment is so unclean... yume doesn't really like talking about it because it makes yume feel ashamed and worried about what others might think.
but yume has already opened up about living with relatives that are not the kindest people. well they're also not the cleanest. yume does try to keep the spaces clean, but its like they thrive in filth! because it gets back dirty again and it drains yume so much. no one helps yume clean. so it becomes burdensome very quickly. yume hates uncleaniness, so living here is very hard. yume's relatives are also hoarders. it just makes things worse.
since the family topic is here now, yume spent most of the day watching youtube videos about childhood trauma. yume has been through a lot and these videos help vadlidate that along with therapy! yknow.. yume's therapist would bring up childhood and yume would feel uncomfortable and think "eh? why does that matter?" but yume's therapist asks because that trauma formed yume into who she is today. and often when yume spirals mentally, its due to family.
growing up, yume's family would constantly say: "you didn't have it that bad growing up." so today yume tries to convince herself that things 'weren't that bad' but at the end of the day... childhood trauma is childhood trauma!! its damaging no matter what way you try to spin it.
yume's eomma would say "you're always trying to blame us for stuff" and she said it again today. but in actuality,,, yume's family needs to take some accountability. they want to push the blames to me because of their own actions. thinking about it makes yume want to scream!!! projection is all it is and all it has been for YEARS.
yume's sick and tired of taking responsibilty for their shortcomings! mother, you did not do your best. yume's eomma deprived her of emotional support. it hurts to even type that, but its the cold truth. these videos helped yume to realise that she's not defect! she's not crazy!
yume will be honest with everypyon. yume has suffered with dissociating for years. this caused yume to latch onto calling herself a ghost to embrace the feeling of never feeling quite there. and yume was today years old when she discovered its because of that childhood trauma! specifcally from never being able to sit down and process emotions.
maybe yume has talked about it, but yume was never allowed to properly feel emotions. yume was often told what she could and could not feel. anytime yume expressed an emotion, it was frowned upon and yume would be met with disgust. "you're not allowed to be depressed, you have food to eat and a roof over your head!", "you're not allowed to feel depressed", "what are you so happy for?", "oh, you were sexually abused? well you shouldn't have talked to that man!" etc. etc.
that stuff does have an effect on a child! thats why when yume's in an environment like she is, its mentally hard. one of yume's relatives have two kids and they're facing the same emotional neglect yume was. as much as yume wants to be there for these kids... she cannot. its so hard to, and its draining. but also this is not yume's responsibility. yume cannot blame herself for this. after all, yume is working on herself and putting herself first. when the time comes, yume wants to be great parent to her own kids. so she is working toward healing.
yume just hopes and prays that her family gets the help they need. there is a cycle of generational trauma and abuse. yume refuses to continue the cycle! which is why she is doing everything she can. yume is going to have a happy and fulfilling life! even if yume's family doesn't get any help,, that'll be on them. yume can only focus on herself. it probably sounds selfish, but sometimes starting and continuing a healing journey means being selfish.
yume is going to work on healing her inner child. through these videos, yume got reccs. which she will share ~
this wasn't included in the vids, but personally, yume loves to do call outs! don't be scared by the name. yume just means,, when she feels a certain way, she calls it out! for example, when eomma started picking at yume's appearance today, yume felt disgust! and annoyed. so she'd say, "i feel annoyed." and you can take it a step further by adding a because! feel free to say it aloud too. one day, yume wants to make communication cards so she refer back to them when a certain emotion pops up. yume thinks this helps with processing emotions.
one that yume is going to try out is journaling with yume's inner child. honestly, yume is yume's inner child. adult yume is fuwa / reona. so this app helps a lot more than yume realised. because inner child and adult yume have and see the little check list.
if anypyon has adhd like yume, a cute and fun thing yume loves to do when procrastinating is countdown then give herself a mental push! like today.. yume procrastinated on watching the childhood trauma videos.. but she went:
5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
and just pressed play! oouu yume cannot wait to do this in her own place..
this has gotten long,,, but one more thing! holding your parents accountable is important. telling yourself that you did not deserve the mistreatment you faced is also important. yume really leaves this here for herself, but anypyon that needs it too. yume knows she's had a hard time holding her eomma accountable because eomma sacrificed a lot and because of others tell yume. but the bottom line is that yume was deprived of emotional support as a child. and yume didn't deserve that!
anypyon that may be reading this, please remember that you too are deserving of love!!
